Secrets and Lies

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My first thoughts on hearing this writing group topic were when is a secret really a secret and when is a lie really a lie?  How often do we withhold information from others because we don’t want them to think badly of us? Withholding stories because we don’t think others would be interested or maybe because we don’t want to acknowledge the truth behind the story?  Is that being discreet, thoughtless or having a secret?  How often do we tell ourselves stories about what we can and can’t do without any basis of truth?  When we tell someone they look good when really we’re thinking ‘why on earth are you wearing that?’ If someone tells us what we want to hear rather than the full story, is that being protective, tactful or telling a lie? Does the intention behind the act change it from something sinister into something benign or is it all up to the recipient to decide? 

We don't always have to fly solo; keeping things hidden from others

I consider myself to have no secrets; no events that I intentionally withhold from others.  While I haven’t told everyone every story, if anyone asks and sometimes even when they don’t, I am willing to discuss any aspect of my life. Well, that’s what I tell myself anyway and what I aim to do.  Sometimes though, I have been in situations where after assessing the recipient I modify my truths or limit the information I give.  Knowing that ultimately the relationship would be better off for not sharing too much.  In the dictionary though the word ‘secret’ is defined as not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others. Something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others.  In which case it looks like I may be guilty as charged.  It would appear I have to admit that much of my inner life is a secret.  I definitely keep my insecurities to myself along with events which don’t paint my life in such a rosy light, justifying it as protecting those involved.  I often put on an act of bravado to give the impression that everything is fine while secretly crumbling inside. How many of us have things we’d rather not have known or seen about our inner lives? Most, if not all, I would imagine.

The dictionary also describes a lie as an intentionally false statement, used with reference to a situation involving deception or founded on a mistaken impression. Hmmm ….  Caught out again! It seems that while I consider myself to be a very honest person with others that may not really be the full picture with myself.  My tendency to ‘create’ a story as to why I can’t go through with things or haven’t got time to complete a task may just make me guilty of lying to myself or at the very least guilty of believing my own B*@! S^#+.

The interesting thing is that I can see this so clearly in others; this tendency to give very plausible reasons for not doing things, for not moving forward towards where they actually want to be. In reality, these reasons hold very little real truth. In others I can see through these excuses dressed up as reasons.  In myself though it is a much harder task.   I hear people tell me things while all the time I know they are keeping the real reasons they haven’t taken action secret and hidden away. Hidden from themselves that is.  

Even as I write this, I can hear that little voice (yes, she’s here again!) telling me that there are legitimate reasons for my actions or lack thereof.  Many things that have happened to me which I can use as plausible reasons (read excuses there) but ultimately it is a lie to say that I can’t do something because of my past. I’m still physically and mentally functional after all and even then, if I wasn’t would it be reason enough to hold me back?  Even Christopher Reeve regained some movement after being paralyzed, continued directing and went on to start foundations to support and help others.

I create stories which I try to rationalize as truths when in actual fact they no more hold me back that a piece of string on the floor. In reality all the ‘lies’, all the BS I feed myself, help to cover deep fears which I hold secret; fears of failure or maybe it is actually a fear of success.  A fear of putting myself into possibly vulnerable situations where people can see me ‘warts and all’. The truth is they have probably already seen my hidden ‘lies’ and ‘secrets’ just as I have seen them and theirs.  

This is being human though; the need to protect a part of us.  All of us do it, well everyone I’ve ever met, so it is completely normal in our society. We all want to feel we’re doing our best and so we rationalize and create reasons for when we feel we aren’t living up to our potential.  I think though that if we actually acknowledge what is going on instead of trying to hide it, we can come at things from a healthier perspective rather than berating ourselves or pretending we have it all sorted. 

It is OK to not take action and if you are honest about why then it can empower you. Acknowledging what is behind our actions can help lead to resolving issues.  In our society we attach morality to tasks when in reality most of the tasks we engage in are morally neutral. Our ability to do or not do for the most part doesn’t make any dent in our value as a person. It means we are human. Maybe in seeing those vulnerabilities, allowing the ‘lies’ and ‘secrets’ which all we share to come to the surface we may actually pave the way for us to connect at a deeper level. It may even allow for us to take the action we want with the knowledge that others are in the same situation, feeling just like we are.  We don’t always have to fly solo. When we’re honest about how we are feeling then others will feel able to be honest too. Creating a bond between us, a bond shared by humanity worldwide, a bond which levels us and allows for meaningful connections.

Arohanui

Y

www.becominghealthy.co.nz

Healing Hands Reflexology

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My mind is still filled with all those families who are now learning to live without their loved ones.  I constantly think about how magnified their emotions must be, not only with grief but also dealing with the way the loss occurred, of what the future holds and possibly a sense of uncertainly in their own community.

love is always at hand

For that reason I thought that I would share a bit of my Healing Hands workshop so that people can put it to use at home or out and about as they deal with the everyday stresses with everyday situations which may trigger huge emotions to surface.   Reflexology is such a great tool for well-being and since feet aren’t always that practical to get to when emotions arise, I love to use hand reflexology.  It is a bit of self love and soothing that you can be using, anytime, anywhere,  without anyone being the wiser.

Reflexology is a natural, holistic treatment which works on the principle that everything in the body is connected.  It is is a mixture of ancient wisdom and modern thinking where by the nerve endings in the feet and hands can be massaged in a particular way to help bring the body back into balance.  (Read more here)

What I’m offering here is a very basic guide as to where some points are in the hand which can help elevate the stress reaction as emotions come up.  The points shown in the images are ones you can rub and/or massage to help bring you some calm in order to move forward.  For the purposes of self calming and self love it really doesn’t matter how you approach the massage rather focus on breathing deep while holding the intention of calm and love with you as you work so that your body can respond in kind. In fact I would suggest any hand rubbing, twisting, shaking and clicking with the intention of release would be fantastic!

These points relate to parts of the body which frequently come into play as part of our stress (fight or flight) response.  Our breathing can quicken so rubbing the top of our palms (lung points) can help bring our breath back into balance. Our heads can spin so rubbing the fingertips (head, brain and sinus points) can help to bring clear thinking back into play.  Our shoulders and back tense up so rubbing the base of the little finger (shoulder point) and along the edge of our thumb and wrist (spine and nervous system) can ease the tension for example.

So without further ado I’ll let you look below and give it ago ……… don’t be shy, just try it and you’ll be impressed with how much more relaxed you can feel.  I was thinking about making a wee video of it all in action so if you think this would be helpful please leave a comment below and I’ll get cracking 🙂

Healing Hands Mini Stress Relief Routine

  • Pictures are all shown palms up.
  • Remember to take care of yourself so if anything hurts then ease up or miss it out. 
  • These are only guidelines, if you find a technique which is better for you then go with that. 
  • If it seems too much and overwhelming then just focus on one or two points to start with.
  • Breath as deep and slow as you can throughout the routine if possible. 

Begin with shaking out your hands then squeeze, twist and pull each thumb and finger. Rub hands together gently (front and back) while taking some deep breaths before starting the points below.

  1. Head and Brain points:  These are your finger tips.  Rub/massage in a circular motion with the thumb of the opposite hand or whatever feels good for you. This will help to bring calm and balance to the mind as well as hitting on some endocrine and sinus points.

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2. Chest and Lung points: This is the area is at the base of your fingers and the top of your palm.  You will feel the metacarpal heads (the other side of your knuckles) and the base of these is pretty much the lower part of this point.  Using the thumb or fingers of the opposite hand rub/massage across this area.  This will help to balance your breath and give more oxygen to the brain to bring calm.

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3. Diaphragm Points: This is at the base of the lung area or just below the bony metacarpal heads. Using the thumb of the opposite hand ‘caterpillar walk’ or rub across this line in both directions. Again this helps with bringing balance to the breath.

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4. Solar Plexus Points:  This is the in the centre of the diaphragm line above and in line with the middle of your palm.  You should press on this point with the thumb of the opposite hand while taking slow, deep breaths.  Do three breaths .. pressing in as you breath in and release at you breath out.  Repeat as many times as necessary to bring almost instant calm.

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5. Shoulder Points:  This are located at the base of your fingers and the section at the bottom of your little finger.  Using the fingers or thumb of the opposite hand work across the area … first the ‘line’ and then the section at the base of the little finger. Notice any tenderness (not pain just tenderness) and breath into it to help ease away the tension from this area of the body.

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6. Spine points: This area runs along the outside of your thumb and along the bottom of your palm.  There are various ways to work this area on  yourself so see which feels the most comfortable – work with thumb of opposite hand in a ‘caterpillar walk’ style, work with fingers of the opposite hand, rub with the whole of your opposite hand.  If you think of the tip of your thumb as your head then work up towards the head will bring more calm energy and working down towards the wrist will bring a relaxing calm.

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7. Adrenal Points:  These points are found near the fleshy part at the base of your thumb and likely to be found by the tenderness there.  Best worked in a gentle circular motion with the opposite thumb while the fingers of the opposite hand ‘cradle’ the hand being worked.  Remember to breath as deep as you can while working these points 🙂

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I hope this finds you safe and secure with another tool in your kete (basket) while feeling a little more calm.

Arohanui

Y

www.becominghealthy.co.nz

 

Misguided Self Love

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The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a roller-coaster here.  Lots of emotions have been dealt with, both kids have been unwell, a long weekend of travel embarked on, family dramas and with all that a LOT of tiredness and everything which comes with that!

For me, my way of coping and keeping on moving is to resort to my ‘security blanket’ (AKA Food).  So as I was beginning to berate myself for eating all manner of things at all manner of times and generally for ‘self sabotage’ behaviours I remembered a saying I heard a while back.  “What we see as self sabotage is actually misguided love’.  Now before your scepticism sets in I’ll explain a little.

take care how you speak to yourself

Thanks quotesology.com for this.

The (scary) truth is that we don’t continue to do something unless we are benefiting in some way – all of us!  This may be hard to swallow however in my overeating and eating foods which I know will cause me pain in the long term I am also getting the instant gratification of having a treat or even (most usually) it keeps me busy so I don’t have time to think about how tired I am or all the things I need to deal with.  I’m benefiting and getting something out of those seemingly unwanted behaviours, in short eating when I’m tired and/or stressed gives me comfort through avoidance.  In my quest to feel ‘better’ I use whatever means I can and usually the ones that were programmed in a long time ago, as in stress we usually revert to old patterns.

Now my logical brain knows that my actions don’t actually make me feel ‘better’ in the long run however in the here and now those actions are hitting the spot, even if only for a few brief moments.  Introducing the misguided self love 🙂  So my aim through these weeks while I get back to healthy eating is to acknowledge that my actions are trying to bring me ‘help’, rather than making myself feel worse by questioning why I am so bad at eating well in times of stress.  Man, it is HARD!! Years of doing the ‘hard talk’ feels impossible to let go of most days however I’m hoping that if I begin to treat myself with a little more respect and kindness by accepting that my actions are intended (however misguided they may be) to help then I may just be able to move on faster.

Hope this finds you loving yourself and being kind to yourself regardless of what the day brings and how hard it may seem.

Arohanui

Y

www.becominghealthy.co.nz