Secrets and Lies

My first thoughts on hearing this writing group topic were when is a secret really a secret and when is a lie really a lie?  How often do we withhold information from others because we don’t want them to think badly of us? Withholding stories because we don’t think others would be interested or maybe because we don’t want to acknowledge the truth behind the story?  Is that being discreet, thoughtless or having a secret?  How often do we tell ourselves stories about what we can and can’t do without any basis of truth?  When we tell someone they look good when really we’re thinking ‘why on earth are you wearing that?’ If someone tells us what we want to hear rather than the full story, is that being protective, tactful or telling a lie? Does the intention behind the act change it from something sinister into something benign or is it all up to the recipient to decide? 

^{We don't always have to fly solo; keeping things hidden from others}

I consider myself to have no secrets; no events that I intentionally withhold from others.  While I haven’t told everyone every story, if anyone asks and sometimes even when they don’t, I am willing to discuss any aspect of my life. Well, that’s what I tell myself anyway and what I aim to do.  Sometimes though, I have been in situations where after assessing the recipient I modify my truths or limit the information I give.  Knowing that ultimately the relationship would be better off for not sharing too much.  In the dictionary though the word ‘secret’ is defined as not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others. Something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others.  In which case it looks like I may be guilty as charged.  It would appear I have to admit that much of my inner life is a secret.  I definitely keep my insecurities to myself along with events which don’t paint my life in such a rosy light, justifying it as protecting those involved.  I often put on an act of bravado to give the impression that everything is fine while secretly crumbling inside. How many of us have things we’d rather not have known or seen about our inner lives? Most, if not all, I would imagine.

The dictionary also describes a lie as an intentionally false statement, used with reference to a situation involving deception or founded on a mistaken impression. Hmmm ….  Caught out again! It seems that while I consider myself to be a very honest person with others that may not really be the full picture with myself.  My tendency to ‘create’ a story as to why I can’t go through with things or haven’t got time to complete a task may just make me guilty of lying to myself or at the very least guilty of believing my own B*@! S^#+.

The interesting thing is that I can see this so clearly in others; this tendency to give very plausible reasons for not doing things, for not moving forward towards where they actually want to be. In reality, these reasons hold very little real truth. In others I can see through these excuses dressed up as reasons.  In myself though it is a much harder task.   I hear people tell me things while all the time I know they are keeping the real reasons they haven’t taken action secret and hidden away. Hidden from themselves that is.  

Even as I write this, I can hear that little voice (yes, she’s here again!) telling me that there are legitimate reasons for my actions or lack thereof.  Many things that have happened to me which I can use as plausible reasons (read excuses there) but ultimately it is a lie to say that I can’t do something because of my past. I’m still physically and mentally functional after all and even then, if I wasn’t would it be reason enough to hold me back?  Even Christopher Reeve regained some movement after being paralyzed, continued directing and went on to start foundations to support and help others.

I create stories which I try to rationalize as truths when in actual fact they no more hold me back that a piece of string on the floor. In reality all the ‘lies’, all the BS I feed myself, help to cover deep fears which I hold secret; fears of failure or maybe it is actually a fear of success.  A fear of putting myself into possibly vulnerable situations where people can see me ‘warts and all’. The truth is they have probably already seen my hidden ‘lies’ and ‘secrets’ just as I have seen them and theirs.  

This is being human though; the need to protect a part of us.  All of us do it, well everyone I’ve ever met, so it is completely normal in our society. We all want to feel we’re doing our best and so we rationalize and create reasons for when we feel we aren’t living up to our potential.  I think though that if we actually acknowledge what is going on instead of trying to hide it, we can come at things from a healthier perspective rather than berating ourselves or pretending we have it all sorted. 

It is OK to not take action and if you are honest about why then it can empower you. Acknowledging what is behind our actions can help lead to resolving issues.  In our society we attach morality to tasks when in reality most of the tasks we engage in are morally neutral. Our ability to do or not do for the most part doesn’t make any dent in our value as a person. It means we are human. Maybe in seeing those vulnerabilities, allowing the ‘lies’ and ‘secrets’ which all we share to come to the surface we may actually pave the way for us to connect at a deeper level. It may even allow for us to take the action we want with the knowledge that others are in the same situation, feeling just like we are.  We don’t always have to fly solo. When we’re honest about how we are feeling then others will feel able to be honest too. Creating a bond between us, a bond shared by humanity worldwide, a bond which levels us and allows for meaningful connections.

Arohanui

Y

www.becominghealthy.co.nz

Life Lessons for the Living

Recently I attended a couple of writing courses which have been great inspiration for writing of my book on health and well-being along with my long-suffering family history stories. Better yet though is that a little spin off group has occurred, which I was lucky enough to be invited too. Each week we share our writing and discuss our progress with the security of knowing we are among trusted friends. The other week we were given a topic to write on. It was a topic which got my brain firing and my fingers moving as I combined information about my self and well-being.

Some South Island sunshine and nature to brighten your day.

The topic was ‘What story would you tell if you only had one year to live’. I thought I would share it here too. Maybe, just maybe, there is something in it for you or those you love even if it is just some inspiration to write your own story……….

‘In my life there have been many stories that I have shared with those who matter and some with those who don’t. In fact, I can think of only one story that my children haven’t heard the full detail of.  In my mind it is the one story that would be better told by another, if at all.  In all my stories though there are themes which often repeat themselves; life lessons that are presented to me continuously.  Some have had to be presented via a proverbial ‘brick to the head’ while others have simmered away growing in strength as time goes by. So, with a year to live the story I would tell is ‘Life Lessons for the Living.’

1. It is never too late to start

While Mum always told me I didn’t have any patience and was always in a rush to do things, both of which are true, I have not always met ‘expected time frames’ with regards to societal norms.  It maybe the quiet rebel in me that made me start driving much later than all my peers, go to university and beginning my degree at least a decade later than others and learn Spanish in my 30’s after wasting so much time at school determined not to learn French.   I finally traveled New Zealand in my 40’s; fulfilling my dream of living in a house bus.  Then at nearly 50 I started learning drums and roller-skating again, though not simultaneously.  So, whatever it is you want to start doing, be it learning, forgiving, moving or maybe just being don’t let anyone tell you it is too late. Especially not that little chatterbox in your head. Opportunities abound to support you starting your dream when you begin to look.  Thankfully, my mother passed on in unspoken deeds that there was never any age limit on life, never any limit  to what you could do or when it was possible to do it.  As Henry Ford once said ‘Whether you think you can or you think you can’t – you’re right’.

2. Trust your intuition

This is one of the most important lessons I have learnt and which I am still learning every day.  Research tells us that we actually have two ‘brains’, the brain we all know and the stomach or more accurately the digestive system.  The cells in the brain and the gut originate from the same tissues and basically decided to take two separate roads of development.  Both have the power to help govern what we do.  That churning stomach or those ‘butterflies’ may be just as informative as any thought power we give to an issue.  These two, the brain and the digestive system, are also linked with the Vargas nerve so are constantly working together with their shared neurotransmitters and hormones.  My advice, for what it is worth, is to listen closely to that little funny feeling you get or that gut reaction to events and trust it. Too often I have ignored my intuition only to have it proven correct at a later date.  Our brain rationalizes events whereas our gut instinct or intuition invariably reads the situation exactly how it is. So, trust yourself and reap the benefits. 

3. Find and follow your own path

I know, I know it’s a complete cliché but it’s true.  The importance of following your own path is beyond expression.  For much of my life I tried my hardest to adapt, mould and modify myself into what I thought others wanted.  In the end it was always in vain; you can never please people who want you to change nor those who aren’t happy with who you are.  Only in those times where I did what I truly wanted in my heart, following my intuition of course, did I feel happiest and actually attracted the feelings I had previously searched for.  Often, we change things about ourselves and our behaviour because we think we need to.  We assume that in following others’ expectations we will make them happy, achieve our goals or even be happier ourselves. In my experience though those achievements are short lived and hollow unless you feel that the whole of you is still there. We are all important and invaluable to life in our own unique way so find your ‘path’, stick to it and share your treasures with the world

4. Keep the joy in your life alive

Sometimes life can be a bitch.  We all know it and we’ve all experienced it however what we sometimes don’t realise is that ultimately, we have power to decide how life impacts us in the long term.  Whether a horrible event causes us great suffering or whether it directs us to joyous new places is up to us depending on the perspective we take.  Lessons in adaption and growth, lessons in how to find more joy can only occur when we are willing to look at life differently.   As the Archbishop Desmond Tutu says in The Book of Joy, ‘We are meant to live in joy.’ Joy can be found anywhere, at any time when we look.  An event may send us into a spin.  It may sap the joy from our day quicker than we thought possible yet in breathing deep and changing our perspective that same event may direct us to joy as we distract ourselves by going for a walk and seeing the beauty of nature. We are hard-wired to remember and focus on the negative; it is one of our oldest survival tools. In changing our perspective though we can also see and savour all those little things that bring a smile to our face, that light up our day and bring joy into our lives.

5. Invest in your health

I really wish I had learnt lesson earlier in life but as my first life lesson states ‘it is never too late to start’.  At nearly 50 years old I am now in better health and have a greater sense of well-being than I did 30 years ago.  In all honesty, it was a classic case of not listening to the advice I am now giving; I certainly didn’t listen to my intuition or my gut as I blindly skipped along the garden path of all and sundry. Overeating, overspending, oversleeping and over drinking.  Even when it didn’t really fill me with any joy, even when it ended in pain I still continued. I now realise too that health is not just the physical and if you ignore the other aspects of health such as emotional, spiritual and mental then you can become even sicker than just ignoring the physical.  I love Mason Durie’s Te Whare Tapa Whā model where he likens health to a home; the walls that protect you are Spiritual, Physical, Mental and Community well-being, which includes family, while nature is at the base of it all.  Research backs this up as a connection with nature can be a great foundation which ensures our whare or well-being is secure and stable.  I also like to add that all the tools we learn along the way act as the roof. A protective cover which helps us when the ‘bad weather’ comes.  Humans are intrinsically lazy; we will often opt for comfort and ease over effort.  It is easy to make an excuse not to exercise, not to contact a friend, not to meditate, not to expand our horizons. I know I have done it many times! However, that little bit of effort to take action, to make the unfamiliar familiar will reap more rewards than you can imagine. Creating connections, moving our body, stimulating our mind and being in nature will always leave us feeling happier and healthier.

So, with a year to live this is the story I would tell.  A story about the lessons I have learnt. A story of life lessons for the living.

Arohanui

Y

www.becominghealthy.co.nz

Trusting your intuition

Trust your intuition.

Go with your gut.

Follow your heart.

Do what feels right.  

How often have you heard these, or similar sayings? How often have you truly put those words into action when they are said to you?

Interestingly enough these messages have come up for me twice this past weekend from two very different sources and it made me realise that while I have ‘trusting my intuition’  high on my values list it is often the one that gets the least time given to it.

Trusting my intuition that just hanging out as a family was what we needed regardless of other activities we could be doing.

Too often I worry what other people may say. I look for other’s approval. I talk more than doing as a safe way to stall the all important action of ‘ trusting my intuition’ and ‘doing what feels right’.  I believe I will offend or upset someone.   I convince myself that I won’t be good enough. I question whether that intuitive voice in my head may actually be wrong.  Sound familiar?

It is easier to go with the flow for sure.  It is easier to do what others are suggesting or doing however very rarely does it ever make us feel as happy and calm as when we do what feels right for us.  It is only in those moments when we honour ourselves by listening to our inner voice – the nice one that is not the critic 🙂 – and taking action which is in line with our beliefs, our intuition and our gut that we shine.

We learn more and we become more just in taking that time to listen to our own wisdom and actually follow it with action.

Hope this finds you listening to your intuition, trusting it and taking action on it.

Arohanui

Y

www.becominghealthy.co.nz